A break from Reality

2016 didn’t get off to the best start but I am working on getting things straightened out.

The level of stress and resulting anxiety has exceeded any I have had previously and I started to get anxious episodes multiple times a week.

When at least one thing in my life feels stable, I can neutralize others and work through them but when I feel a few places are unstable, the anxiety takes a whole different shape.

As I grow more and more overwhelmed trying to control my emotions, I start by trying to free myself of everything I don’t understand, don’t know, haven’t resolved. Any friendships, impeding relationships or current relationships that might feel even slightly unstable and insecure become the targets of my elimination challenge.  I actually do not hope to eliminate them but hope that pushing them away will somehow force them into becoming stronger and holding on (providing the security I was looking for). Very counter intuitive. This does become incredibly destructive. It becomes destructive to myself in that I cannot control the direction things are going and start to devalue myself in an attempt to push people away, and to my relationships and those around me. I want to support those around me and not tear down the relationships I have built.  They mean more to me than I will ever let on.  How I recover is still a mystery to me.
Once the self destructive behavior begins, it gets harder and hard to break out from.  I want to break out of it, but I have upset the people around me already.  And how do I fix that? I cannot make them entirely forget the negative influence I had and the things I said in a confused attempt to fix things I couldn’t stabilize. I cannot expect someone to be secure until I fix things, but to fix things, I am struggling to stay with them because I fear I already broke them beyond repair.  I want (need) someone to hold my hand, knowing that I stand in a difficult place and knowing that I am strong enough to get out. Just hold my hand to give me the warmth to know I am not alone.

I must break out of this pattern and get back to reality.